Being Receptive

I've been thinking that the I Ching hexagram The Receptive is not only about the importance of deepening my connection with the feminine in me and with the Divine Feminine, but also simply about being receptive--listening, being open to divine influences and messages, receiving rather than doing.

So I come outside to sit on the porch again this morning, even though it's a cold, wet, windy morning. I bundle up, so i can sit and listen to the wind, which is very active this morning, so i can be outside. Important to get out of my head at least partially and more into my body, though I sit here writing.

A light rain begins with a sudden shhhhh through the leaves. Everything is soaked from rain all night. Now the rain turns heavier and the sound shifts. It is beautiful, simple, alive, real. Compare this to a computer screen. What are we doing to our lives?

I need more love in my life now, and it seems the way back to it is by falling in love with the world. I asked the dictionary several days ago (bibliomancy) what question to be asking re my unhappiness over J not calling me, and I got something about "solvere: to loosen" (within some etymology of a word). I took that to mean the question is "How can I loosen up around this topic and loosen my grip on it and him?" So I asked that question, and got the word "pansexual" as a response. I think it means the answer is to fall in love with everything.

Now the light shifts, brightens considerably. These changes are not signs we must decipher, but rather the story of the world being told, a sacred story that i am a part of, though it's become hard for me to feel my place in it. All i can do is listen, open myself to the wind and rain, these forces moving through the world, moving in me, if i wish to find my way back to my place in this pattern, to a self i can be happy inside of, to a love for the world and from the world. I can bring my pain and emptiness out here and lay it at the feet of the world.

It's not about reassembling a self, as i had thought. It is simply a paring away to get to the divine essence, to who i really am already and always have been, and letting that shine forth in all its radiance.

I sit here a long time without writing, listening to the rain, watching the way the wind moves the treetops, and i am soothed and stilled. I could sit here all day if i could be warm enough and patient enough and have the time, and i would learn and learn and learn in the gentlest of ways. Everywhere is evidence of Her beauty and of the inherent harmlessness of the world.

There is a profound dance going on out here between the wind, rain, trees and other life. I still feel alien to that dance, outside of it, having no place in it, so unlike it, but that is a lie, a misperception that needs healing. I look and think, How can i possibly be beautiful and wonderful and amazing like these trees dancing in the wind? I feel clunky, a mess, confused, awkward, out of joint with all this beauty and wisdom and perfection? How can i be party of it? How can i be made of the same stuff? How can i belong?

But the same thing that made these trees and rain made me. Somehow i do fit in, though i can't feel it. And my lack of feeling it is the origin of my loneliness and separation from self, others, Divine, world, and can be healed through connection with these divine forces dancing the world, dancing me. We are the dance; Life is the dancer. Let me be danced. Let me surrender. Let me feel the dance moving me.