The Hole at the Center of My Being

In recent months I have looked into the vast hole at the center of my being, the gaping hole of need and want that feels like it will never be filled, the painful hole of emptiness that makes me try to cling to experiences and people desperately with an addictive craving and a feeling of hopelessness and powerlessness at the same time. I have looked at that hole, that shadow self, that darkness, head on. I have felt its grief and terror and painful need and longing. I have looked at the very thing I never wanted to look at or acknowledge or feel. And in looking into that hole, it has lost some of its power over me. It's not gone, by any means. It's just less terrifying than it seemed.

And now I know on some level that it is not real. It is an illusion. There is no hole at the center of my being, no yawning cavity waiting for someone or something else to fill it. At the center of my being, at the center of every being, is an indescribable fullness, a richness, and the source of all that we truly desire--all the love, all the healing, all the wisdom, all the guidance, all the joy.

Although I often feel utterly cut off from this source now, I am not cut off from the knowing that it exists, that all I want and need is within me, and I do notice that the "power" of the hole is less and the fear of it is less. I no longer believe someone or something else could fill it. I no longer believe it would kill me if I were to look into it or feel it fully. This is a blessing, the beginning of freedom.