Living in Love

I am understanding now that part of how this transformation is working in me is to push me to surrender to Divine will, really let go of trying to run the show with my mind, with fear and the desire for control and sure outcomes, and instead to live from heart; it is pushing me to find real freedom within. And the way it works is that everywhere i still hold on, everything i cling to, causes me great suffering now. Amazingly i still do hold on, but the gods are making that very tough for me now.

Also, anytime i dwell in fear, anger, judgement, criticism, i feel terrible pain until i return to a state of love and trust. They are making so that those negative states become more and more unbearable in myself, and i also feel increasing discomfort with those attitudes in others, when people are going into fear and judgement or petty thoughts. My friends still attempt to "advise" me from this place, out of a genuine desire to help and protect me, but it just invokes amazing pain if i start to believe what they are saying--i.e. "he's just no damn good"--or else discomfort if i don't.

As this slow, agonizing transformation in the chrysalis takes place--my old body disintegrating and a new, unfamiliar one forming--i feel a widening gap with some of the friends and family in my life, harder to relate to them, to find common ground between my way of living and seeing life and theirs. That's hard. I cannot live a lie or pretend to be that way now or that it's ok for me to be negative. More than ever i am moving toward total honesty--always a passion of mine--and the truth of reality, which is that it is all Divine love. This isn't just an abstraction, it's the way things are--and being out of alignment with that, which i frequently still am, causes me to suffer horribly now as a means to push me back where i need to live--this deep state of love and surrender, not knowing, moving from heart guidance, even when it seems to make no "sense." There's no other way. The gods have created in me a no turning back situation.

My intense longing for wholeness, peace and liberation is created by the agony of not being in it. Robert Fritz (The Path of Least Resistance) would say that's not a good way to create, out of a desire to avoid something negative, that it doesn't work in the long run, and he's right, it's not a heart movement. I need to create out of a vision of the positive. The vision of the positive i have is love, real love, universal love, the experience of love everywhere in all things and abundant within myself, the experience that there is only love, and the joy, freedom and aliveness that brings. That is my vision.